10 Things My Husband & I Do To Maintain Our Happily-Ever-After

June 5, 2020.  I love being married, and if you are married then you already know that marriage is not for the faint of heart.  My marriage is not a perfect one. We argue. We cry. We make mistakes. We say and do things that we later regret. We post beautiful photos of our life together on social media. But a photo only shows a glimpse of our life that is indicative of one beautiful moment. It does not show the sacrifices, the mess-ups, the difficult decisions, the compromise, the do-overs. 

This year will mark 20 years for us as husband and wife. When Stephen and I married, we were in our late 20s.  Both of our parents had gone through divorce and we both had brought tons of baggage into our marriage due to past trauma. Still, we agreed on this one thing…for better or for worse.

Today I want to share with you 10 things that we do to maintain our happily-ever-after.

1. We pray together.

Prayer has been the foundational glue that has kept us together. Stephen and I make a conscious effort of praying together every morning. I believe that it has helped us to be less selfish and more concerned about each other. What we found was that prayer has a way of softening the heart and drawing us closer together. When we first started praying consistently, it was because we needed to see a change in our marriage. However praying together didn’t really change our situation, but it changed us instead and it continues to help us to be loving, kind, respectful and sensitive to each other as we grow in our marriage.

2. We have frequent date nights.

I love going out on dates. I didn’t date much as a teen or before I met my husband so I really enjoy every opportunity I get to be pampered, to get dressed up or to simply just have fun. We try to go out at least once a month. We feel that anything more than that might easily begin to feel like part of a routine and we definitely have enough routines.  By keeping it monthly, we look forward to hanging out and planning our time together. We love dining out and watching movies together. However, our most fun date nights have been picnics in the park, roller skating, going to the gun range, the opera, attending a basketball or football game, Cirque du Soleil, horseback riding and jet skiing to name a few. 

3. We communicate often.

Having a time to talk is so important. Some of our talks are scheduled, some are not. Because our lives are so busy it is often challenging to find time to talk about those things that we often put off talking about…finances, goals, parenting, what’s going well or not so well in the marriage. Stephen and I are learning to be intentional about sitting down and talking. Sometimes you have to know when the right time is to discuss certain matters. My husband communicates best when he is driving so if I ever need to talk about something that may not go over well, we take a drive.

4. We participate in goal-setting.

As a team, we have found that we can accomplish a lot more by working together. We are much happier as a couple when we can look back and see all that we have accomplished together. It motivates us to be better. Some of our past goals have been purchasing a home, establishing an emergency fund, paying off debt, starting a business, taking the family on a Disney Cruise, and increasing our giving to our church.

5. We try not to focus on each other’s flaws.

People can easily get stuck trying to fix each other in a marriage.  Steve and I try to be intentional about not always pointing out what the other does wrong.  It is so easy to see the bad or what your spouse is not doing. It only causes conflict so we try to do the opposite.  Focusing on the good things that my spouse does is much more fun and rewarding. We argue less and found that this approach works well in our marriage.

6. We engage in physical affection regularly.

Yep, we make sure we do what married people do often if you know what I mean. We are also conscience of holding each other’s hand and snuggling together in public. My husband is not really comfortable with public affection but he tries. I, on the other hand, am all for it. I believe that it inspires other couples to strive for lasting relationships. I also feel that our kids need to see what healthy affection looks like between husband and wife so they don’t mistake what they see on TV or at school as love.  We tell and show our kids that love is not the feel-good things, but more so the repetitive actions that will eventually lead to you feeling good.

7. We go to church together and as a family.

I feel it is important that we are connected to support systems outside of our immediate family. Attending church together as family has helped us to grow together spiritually, and to become more resilient as we face challenges in everyday life. Being a part of the right church has allowed my family to connect on a deeper level. When our church is reiterating the same values that we are teaching our kids at home, it strengthens our marriage. I believe that the stronger we are as a family, the better we will be at weathering all kinds of storms.

8. We encourage each other’s independence.

We are both married but different.  We have different desires and different needs.  We allow each other the freedom to be separate but one. Over the years I have learned to give Stephen his space. I used to be very clingy due to my own need for a father’s affection. But I had to realize that he was not my father. And it was not his responsibility to do what my father failed to do. I had to give that to God.

I am now okay with him doing his own thing apart from me. I am also learning to do things that I enjoy that he does not necessarily enjoy. I enjoy playing family games. He does not. I don’t force him because he does so many other things with me. He enjoys watching hours of sports. I do not. I encourage him to spend time with his friends doing what he enjoys. He encourages me to do the same. It’s how we encourage each other’s independence yet maintain our oneness all at the same time.

9. We travel together.

It is very important that we invest in our marriage because we spend so much of our time giving to others, whether at home, on our jobs, or at church.  Traveling is therapeutic for us. It allows us time to just relax and to replenish what’s been lost.  Sometimes we travel to marriage conferences and other times we choose a place on our bucket list.  If you find yourself constantly giving and never making deposits, you will soon find that when you go to make a withdrawal, your account has been depleted, and that is never good for a marriage.

10. We forgive each other often.

We give each other permission to mess up and make mistakes.  We are human. We understand that life and marriage will be full of hurts because the bible tells us this in John 16:33 “Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows; but cheer up, for I have overcome the world.” One thing that we do (that we took away from a marriage conference we attended) is offer each other a clean sheet of paper.  One side of the paper is symbolic of a clean slate, one in which we are telling our spouse that they have the right to be forgiven and to start over.  The other side of the paper is for coming up with a plan so we don’t have to relive that mistake again. Our goal in marriage is to love each other the way that Christ loves us.

Marriage should not simply be looked upon as hard work. It should be looked upon as an opportunity to love, serve and to give. Marriage is the ultimate sacrifice, similar to what Jesus did when he died on the cross. It’s the ability to give up your right to be right. It’s learning to be okay with losing some battles so that in the end you win the war. It’s being able to tune out the fairytale images depicted on television and in the movies, in order to see the good in the spouse God blessed you with. In a world centered around divorce, infidelities, greed, selfishness and pride, marriage is simply about treasuring what you have and trusting God to secure the Happily-Ever-After.

What is something you and your spouse do to maintain the Happily-Ever-After?