August 14, 2020.
If you are a parent who has experienced past trauma at some point in your life, let me start by congratulating you. You are truly courageous, brave and endearing, and should be recognized for not throwing in the towel. Parenting is not an easy job, and parenting after going through trauma is even more commendable.
Many people will experience a traumatic event at least once in their lifetime. Whether in childhood or adulthood, trauma can change many things. It can impact relationships, one’s mental and physical health, how we interact with others, and definitely how we parent. Although trauma affects many areas, it does not have to change our ability to create a meaningful and lasting experience for our children.
Let’s face it; children mess up. They do the opposite of what they are told to do. They can be manipulative and unpredictable. They hide what they don’t want us to see. They have bad days and emotional meltdowns. And no matter how old they are, they think they know everything. To sum it up, they are very much like adults.
As a mother of three children and an overcomer of trauma, I have made multiple mistakes with parenting. I have been controlling, overprotective, and distant at times with my own kids. I have pointed out way too many of their wrongs and have had high expectations that even I could not deliver. I have been easily irritated and not always loving.
I know how difficult parenting after trauma can be. We want to protect our kids so they will not have to endure the things that we’ve endured. We want our kids to be successful and to live a well-rounded and meaningful life. We strive to foster their independence but often do so while broken and fearful, and lacking the emotional tools necessary to model that self-confidence.
I have heard repeatedly that parenting does not come with instructions. But God has given us one very important assignment as parents. Proverbs 22:6 tells us that we are to train up a child in the way that he should go, and even when he is old he will not depart from it.
God does not require us to be perfect parents. His only requirement is that we turn the hearts of our children back to their Heavenly Father. Our children belong to God. God allows us a short amount of time to pour into them, to rear them and to nurture them. But ultimately, our children will grow up. They will learn to make their own decisions and they will have to rely on all that we have taught them to survive in a world where the enemy is seeking to destroy their God-given potential. That is a huge responsibility, one that I cannot tackle alone.
Sometimes parenting after trauma means we must rely on others for help. It is having the support of extended family, friends, and youth group leaders who help reiterate the importance of establishing a relationship with God as a child. That way, when we disappoint our children as parents, they will learn to turn to their Father for answers, for comfort, and for resolution.
Parenting after trauma is not easy. And guess what, it does not end once your child is grown. Your child will continue to look at how you handle life’s difficulties as you age. He or she will seek out advice regarding their own trials. Your adult child will watch how you have progressed and evolved over the years. This will be an important indicator as to whether or not they will see themselves as being able to overcome adverse situations in their own lives.
If you have experienced trauma and you are dealing with challenges of parenting and motherhood, do not get discouraged. God has not forgotten you. He knows the struggles of every mother who desperately wants to raise their child to be confident, strong, fearless and Christ-like.
God never stops working for us. He embraces our efforts, recycles our mistakes, and graces us with an eraser so that we can start all over again when necessary.
Remember, you have overcome much. You may not be able to be emotionally present a hundred percent of the time. You may exhibit anxiety in situations that require patience and trust. You may feel ashamed when you should feel proud and hopeful.
Learn to appreciate how far you have come. Be thankful for everything that you have learned along your journey. Trust that God will bless any parenting mistakes you make, as long as you don’t mistake your mess-ups as His will for your life.
Parenting after trauma is not easy but if we learn to lean on God for strength and teach our children to do the same, God will provide an outcome that is meaningful and lasting.
Thank you! So often we do try and protect our children to not to have to endure what we went through. We protect them as if they went through our trauma. Meaning alot of the time they don’t understand and rightly so, because it was us, not them. Often being overprotected for something that don’t exist. Thank for your words of wisdom and your insight!